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Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Monday, 20 May 2013

Is Confidence Hard To Find?


Everyone has issues that they chose not to confront; Whether it is to do with family, work or just the issues you find in yourself. These problems get pushed down to the bottom of the priority list, other things are just more “important”. They are either too painful; too much effort or something that you see as unsolvable.
I have a hat that, whether you believe it or not, changed my life. It made me stand up for what I believed in, showed me I didn’t actually have to be dictated to and put up with it. The short version of the story is that I bought a hat, a black hat; my first hat. The moment I bought this I knew that it was my new superpower.
My great-grandma used to wear a hat wherever she went. Granted, we both chose a very different style of hat. Yet she was known and remembered for her eccentric hats, and if one day that is one of the things that I am remembered for I will die happy. Some may say it is just a hat, but you are wrong. It has sentimental value, like a locket or an expensive vase. This hat showed me that if I was worried about what people said about me, then I had bigger problems than them. I worried that what they would say would be true. But I then realised that the people who say things to that extent are not the people I would want to be friends with anyway.
The hat gave me a new confidence. If I wanted to randomly visit Highgate in London then that is what I did. If I wanted to go and talk to the lovely lady in the bookshop about Enid Blyton then I would. Magic hat. It made me curious, and made it ok to be curious. I will travel to Kentish Town, Notting Hill and the BBC Centre, all to see if they are how I imagined they would be. 9 times out of 10 they are not at all what I imagined, but that makes it more of an adventure.
The hat inspires an independence that is usually hidden. It is still there, it just needs coaxing out sometimes. Some of my friends cannot understand how I can go into London on my own, to them it is weird that I am not with a large group of people all the time, but I am not like that. I have a beautiful group of friends; Sometimes I will be with them for two or three weeks straight and we will do everything, other times I won’t see them for months on end, but that works for us. If I am on my own, I don’t have to rush; I don’t have to be told which direction to walk in, and if I am bored I don’t have to worry that someone else doesn’t.
My hat is like an imaginary friend. It gives me support if I wear it, but also it is the reason that I want to be better. Once again, I know it is only a hat; an inanimate object but you all do the same. By buying that bag/watch/make-up you see your life getting a little bit better, you are made more confident when you take it out for the first time. The reason I bought this hat was because it was my first hat and it came along at a time of need, when I needed comfort from something inanimate and non-biased. People will always have an opinion on what is said but this hat taught me to face things head on and in my own time; I started dressing differently, to dress how I wanted to dress. I am not saying I dyed my hair pink and started ripping tights, I just became the right ‘Character’ which without the hat would have taken a lot longer to get to. Happy hat buying!

My lack of faith in politics.




2013 means that I am getting older, unfortunately though getting older means that I am more aware of everything that goes on around me. When you are little you don't have to worry about 'Adult Problems', you don't have to worry about money/work/THE WORLD. Then you start moving away from your childhood home and realise it's not actually very nice in the big bad world, I want home again.

I have just finished my first year at University. I have decided that going back in September would not be beneficial at all, my course is lacking and I am in 8 hours a week for £8000 a year. I would love to say that the rise in tuition fees, even though Clegg said they wouldn't, were my decision to leave, but I would be lying.

The local elections have just passed and it made me really question what I wanted from a Government. I found it really hard. Whilst deciding which party to vote for, I went through many a mindset; maybe I just shouldn't vote, it doesn't seem to do a lot of good. I think this is what a lot of people are thinking at the moment, but this is the wrong mindset. We are a society that generally gives up easily. If something is too hard we step away; if we believe that those with more power will have more influence we cower. It is easy to have a deep and meaningful debate at a dinner party about David Cameron, and easy enough to divide opinions, but what do we really do about it?  I am 19 and I don't feel that my vote is worth much to the Government, it is only one vote, someone who knows more about it will vote correctly. Right? How am I meant to know? Who should I actually be voting for? The tories? Labour? UKIP?

In the end the hardest decision is not deciding which to vote for, it is deciding if I actually believe in a party enough to prove they are what they say they are, I need to believe that they are going to do what they say. It is a lot of responsibility to place your beliefs in one politician who occasionally visits a hospital/prison/school, take your pick they've all done it.
The scary thing is that on the other hand, what if your one vote was the deciding factor? I know that this isn't really how it works per say but even so. What if I vote for UKIP because I have strong views on Immigration, I think, yes this is the party for me. Yet, three years down the line...nothing, no change. What was then the point of me travelling to the local polling station to tick that particular box?

I'm not sure how this can be solved, but I don't want to surrender my vote just because they cannot be trusted. It's cyclical; If i don't vote, the party I am against will gain power, yet if I do vote they won't come through on their promises. It makes my brain all fuzzy, what is the point?

Whether it comes across or not, I really am finding it difficult to have any faith in the Government at the moment, it could be such a great asset, but it certainly isn't at this point in 2013.



Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Train talk.

I woke up at 4 this morning to get a train at 530. This was so I could be in London and on a train by 730. I am on the train. I am hallucinating because I am overly tired, BUT I cannot even tell you how excited I am. 

I haven't even drawn you a picture today. Just given you a photograph of my tickets. I do apologise. I'll have a little nap and we shall reconvene here in about an hour. By then I shall be replenished... Possibly. 

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

In 5 hours I will be on a train...

I am genuinely excited.
I went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival last year and just fell in Love with everything that it had to offer.
I am unable to make it to the Fringe this year BUT I am off on a tiny holiday to Edinburgh tomorrow.
I should be asleep right now but i'm not for two reasons.

1- I am completely convinced that if I fall asleep now I will sleep through my alarm. Now if you know  
     me you will know that I wouldn't let this happen, but there is always that little voice saying "Heeeheeee I'm going to make you miss the train you're BOOKED onto" in a sort of tuneful taunt.

2- I am overly excited but my tiredness is causing this to morph into a sort of still, numb sensation. Perfectly happy with excitement bubbling. The only thing I can compare it to is when you are making bread, the yeast reacts with everything and starts kicking off. I admit, it is not a very good comparison but is the only one I could muster at 12:13 on the 15th of May 2013.

Edinburgh Fringe last year was like...The warmest, cuddliest hug you could ever receive.

I like you all enormously.
You will all know if I stay awake because I will keep blogging and the posts will become more and more erratic.

This is a very small snapshot of right now.